Tuesday, June 17, 2008
I am feeling discouraged today, and I have decided to use the blog as my outlet. I will warn you, I am about to have a pity party, so if you have the desire, you can read on and join in! I have decided to write about what has been going on with me lately. Between a Rock and a Hard Place is where I feel I have landed for the past year of my life. I know things in life seem so trivial to some people, but to those who are experiencing such issues, they are mountains. I have been struggling with multiple "mole hills" but combined, they feel like quite a mountain.
1. My leg. This has been an ongoing issue since Ellison was born. It frustrates me daily, and I am reminded each and everyday of this stupid blood clot. Every time I turn my leg a certain way I am reminded of the DVT by the pain in my leg. Every time I am unable to crawl on the floor to play with the baby because my leg hurts, or when I am unable to hold her because she kicks or stands on my leg and causes pain, I am reminded of the DVT. Every day when I am unable to exercise the way I would like or eat the way I would like, I am reminded of the DVT.
2. Working. I love being an Occupational Therapist. I get such joy from helping others recover from both minor and devastating illnesses. I am grateful I have a good job that allows up to live comfortably, pays the bills and offers good benefits. I have enjoyed getting to know people around the hospital and learning all that I have learned, but I hate leaving the baby at home. Every morning I wake up early to feed her, do my hair, get dressed, eat breakfast and then sneak out the door before she totally wakes up, because when she is awake, all I want to do is be there for her and love on her all day. I hate to think that part of her schedule every day is waving goodbye to mom. I am away from my baby approximately 9-91/2 hours every day. I spend more time at the hospital than I do with her. I spend so much time away from her during the week and then to "work" again on Sunday for 2 hours chasing kids in primary, with my attention diverted away from her, is hard. I told Kam on many occasions that I feel like a full-time OT and a part-time mom. This is a very sensitive subject for me, especially when I see a lot of the girls in my ward staying home with their children, and knowing that a lot of my friends in Utah stay home as well. I look at their lives and think to myself, how lucky they are! Do they comprehend how lucky they are? I wish I had a flexible daily schedule to spend with my child, running the errands that need to be run, participating in play dates and chit chatting with friends. Working is another way I feel "left out" of the loop. I am so jealous of these girls, but at the same time am grateful they have the opportunity to be at home! I am glad they are able to be home with their children...I just wish I could be too! I also have to admit when I get home and want just a moment to myself, I feel guilty because I think Ellison's every waking moment should be spent with me after I get home from work.
3. School. I know this is so necessary in our world today. I am so grateful for my education because (not to sound cliche), but I know it's one of the only things we will take with us when we die. However, this ongoing school cycle is going to make me crazy if it doesn't end soon! In the eight years Kam and I have known each other, one or the other, or both of us have been in school. We have paid so much money in tuition and owe a pretty penny in student loans. I am glad to say that Kam only has one more year left (hallelujah!), but at times this seems like forever! I am so looking forward to the day when Kam is wearing that cap and gown, has a certificate saying he can practice law, and hears word that he has passed the bar. Come that day, I will be turning in my hunter green scrubs for blue jeans and a t-shirt.
4. Medical bills. Perhaps I should have lumped this in with number one, but I frustrated by the amount of money I pay in medical bills. Why do I have insurance? I pay the premium monthly, and then get to pay 20% of whatever after that. Just when we think we have most of them paid, another lingering bill will show up in the mail. Can you believe we got a bill last week for lab work Ellison had done when she was born? There is no reprieve in sight as we still owe the vascular surgeon for the surgery in March and will expect to rack up more when I have my surgery this fall. I will say that even though #2 on my list is a stress, it provides me with the means to pay the medical bills and the insurance to have health care.
5. Housework. I love having a clean house, but because of all the other numbers on my list (with the exception of #4), I am unable to keep it in the order I would like. Ellison does do a great job of making a mess and I really don't mind cleaning up after her, but the additional load of laundry that has come with having her is something I haven't enjoyed. I also have been unable to do the "deep clean" I am used to doing. I used to scrub tubs, toilets and dust weekly, along with the other usual household chores, however, I have gotten out of my routine and found that I am getting the house cleaned well perhaps twice a month! I feel guilty when my house is a mess and think, what could I have done better to keep it clean or clean up the already established mess.
I am grateful to have used this blog as an ear piece to my complaints. I apologize for those who are reading this. I really try hard to stay up beat, but some of these things have got me bogged down for the moment and perhaps it is due to the rough day I had. Thank you to all who have left words of encouragement before, I am grateful to you for that. I hope none of you think ill of me after having read this, but it needed to come out! I promise my other posts will be happy and cheerful! I also want to say that even though all the things I have mentioned above have been bogging me down, my little Ellie, Kam, and family brings things into perspective, and I remind myself I do it all for them. Thanks again to all my fellow bloggers!